


I'm No Sith Lord

by homicidalphone



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, One Shot, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 21:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5717008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homicidalphone/pseuds/homicidalphone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the recent revelation of her previous identity, Revan, now under the alias of Leera, isn't taking the news too well. Specifically, she isn't taking the reaction from Carth Onasi well and the tension is putting strain on.... whatever their relationship is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm No Sith Lord

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't touched this fic since I wrote it 6 years ago. There are bound to be tons of grammatical errors and I have no idea if it's even finished. But it was a story that I felt needed to be done. I was super unhappy with dialogue post the revelation. This is my fix.

"No, no, it's not true. These memories, they aren't mine." 

Leera lay in fetal position on her bed, crying… sobbing, and clutching her hair, face, and tears in her hands. Vision after vision; memory after memory came flooding into her mind. Images of people she didn’t know dying and planets she never heard of in flames in a first person point of view plagued her with cold sweats and insomnia, "That's not true. That wasn't me!" as she cried, sobs reverberating through the silent, metal skeleton of the smuggler ship, the Ebon Hawk. "I’M NOT REVAN! I'm no Sith Lord…" denial took over as uneasy chuckles turned into groans of frustration, "Heh. I'm Leera, just Leera. I'm a good Jedi Consular. I help them, not kill them!" A loud groan rolled off her tongue and was smothered by the choppy patter of more dry-heaved sobs. "This isn't fair, I can't do this... not to him," Leera dragged her fingernails down her face leaving bright pink lines on her forehead, eyelids, and checks, "With all we did together, all I promised. HE WAS RIGHT! I can't be trusted. He was right to be suspicious." 

A watchful Rutian Twi’lek stood silently in the door way. Mission watched helplessly as her friend struggled with her identity crisis, watched helplessly as Leera's sides heaved up and down, as arms and legs crossed, contracted and relaxed. She grasped the doorframe, swallowed, and looked painfully over her shoulder at the rest of the crew. It was quiet, save for Leera's cries, and everyone simply stared at the ground, not knowing what exactly to do. There was the occasional shuffle of someone attempting to do some sort of busywork. But with each of Leera's cries, trying to be pre-occupied seemed futile. There was one person missing however. As Leera cried, someone had walked off; Carth Onasi. Mission looked at the floor, eyes glazed with helplessness, before lifting her gaze back to Leera's wrecked back. Mission's eyes widened, something was wrong. The ship was eerily quiet; Leera had stopped crying out. 

"That's it. That's what I have to do," Leera chuckled weakly as she rolled over her back, planting both feet solidly on the floor and standing. Mission bit hard on her lip. Leera hadn't eaten in days and it was clearly obvious. Her bout of self-starvation had robbed her body of life, she was running on fumes. Sweat slicked her hair back and adhered her shirt to her body. The thin mutilation from her fingernails glowed crimson red in contrast to the ghostly white of her face and matched the crescent-shaped grooves along her arms. The bags under her eyes were deep purple. The two stood quietly for only a moment. Just a long enough moment for Canderous, the war-hardened Mandalorian mercenary, whose attempt at busy-work was poking and prodding at his rifle, to pick up that something was wrong. Mission looked back over her shoulder stiffly before making eye contact with him and Canderous realized immediately that that was a poor choice to make. Mission was lifted up off her feet and slammed back into the wall parallel to the door as Leera stumbled out. 

"I have to go. I have to run. Everyone will be safe, and he'll be happy I'm gone." her eyes glistened with tears but underneath they were dull and failed to reflect any light of their own. Mission stumbled back, pressing her body as close to the wall as possible as Leera lurched forward. 

Bending at the waist, Leera looked at Mission who in return, clinched her eyes together, shrugged her shoulders, and dug her chin into her collar bone. "Would that be easier?" asked Leera, forcing Mission's chin back up with the hilt of her lightsaber, "You'd be safer if I just disappeared, yes?" Mission's eyebrows shot up and her lips parted slightly, but before a sound could escape, Leera's wrists were snapped behind her sweaty back and elbows pinned by the Mandalorian who had long since abandoned his rifle to the floor. 

"Le-lemme go!" Leera struggled against Canderous' hold but adrenaline was ebbing away and the lack of nutrients and sleep deprivation was taking its toll. Exhausted, tears streamed down her face as pleas morphed to unintelligible sobs once more."I betrayed him! He was right to be suspicious and I lied to him!" she roared "why can't you just let me go? Let me run! I hate both of you!" she fell to her knees and stretched her neck, looking directly at Mission, "You're just a stupid little Twi’lek brat. Just a filthy street urchin that doesn't know how to shut up! And you..." Leera rolled her head back to look up at Canderous, ignoring the tears forming in Mission’s eyes, “You're just a slimy merc for hire with an ego the size of a krayt dragon! I HATE YOU MOST OF ALL!!!!" Leera raged through a clenched jaw, unable to do anything more; physically, mentally, and emotionally beaten, she was in no position to channel the Force. Pushing Mission had drained her supplies and Canderous knew that. 

"Mission, get him." he ordered the Twi’lek, who blinked before slowly nodding and stumbling off, as he pushed Leera off her knees and onto her stomach. Letting go of her elbows he used his now free hand to pin her head sideways onto the floor, “What makes you think you lied to him? You can’t tell somebody something that you did not know!” Canderous shook his head, and when Leera refused to make eye contact, he wrapped her hair around his hand. There was a moment of silence and, frustrated with the woman, Canderous tightened the grip on her hair causing her to cry out, this time, in pain. Uncharacteristically, Canderous released her hair and in doing so, the grip on her wrists weakened. Leera twisted, regaining control of her wrists, used her left hand to prop up her thin, upper body, as the right pulled Canderous down by the collar of his armor, enforcing hard eye contact. 

“But I should have known! After being someone, something, so dark and murderous, you think I would have known. I should have known something, remembered something, anything!” Leera blinked hard, forcing new tears to travel down her cheeks, and looking down, her hand letting go of the Mandalorians collar, she added more softly, “I… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have told any of you anything.” 

Canderous shook his head, standing up as her torso fell to a heap on the floor, “No, you did what any warrior should have done... Not telling your crew, your unit, your men would have made you a liar. You are a powerful person, and I respect you for that. I followed Leera because I felt that you would not succeed without me, that your journey was worthy of my skills. Revan was a formidable warrior and I am honored to say I will follow her. Warriors do not flee from a battle if they are losing, they fight to the end. This is just one more battle.” Exhausted and seeing flaw in her argument, Leera brought her hands up and covered her face. The moment was silent when Mission returned with Carth. 

"Mission, this isn't going to accomplish anything. That woman’s still a Sith Lord!" Carth didn't look much better than Leera did, emotions clenched his jaws and pulsed through a vein in his forehead. Mission rolled her eyes in disgust as she led him from the direction of the more secluded crew chamber. Seeing Leera curled on the floor made Carth take a step back. His eyes flashed confusion, his mouth leaked surprise, and his entire body relaxed with regret. Rubbing his forehead in frustration he shook his head, exasperating, "What do you want me to say? She was in leagues with an army that killed my wife, stole my son, and corrupted the one man I looked up to!" Leera let out a soft whine, curling into a tight ball between the Mandalorian's feet. Mission's jaw dropped as she turned to face him in utter offense. 

"You flaming mudlicker! That, that.... That's not true!" the Twi’lek stammered. Anger flustered her cheeks as she continued, "I’m not some kid that doesn’t know what’s going on. I know something when I see it, and that," she pointed to Leera who's silent tears burned down the side of her face as she stayed curled up on the floor, "is absolutely NOT Revan." Carth ran his right hand through his hair only to drop it again and raise both in a shrug. 

“Look, I…. you know what, forget-” Carth shook his head, turning to leave, but wasn’t able to finish with Mission’s clenched fist colliding with the side of his jaw. 

“You know Carth, I thought that you were cool and all for an old man, but I was wrong. You’re just a stubborn old geezer with paranoia worse than Sithspit,” Mission’s fists were still clenched, fingernails digging into the center of her palms. Her eyebrows fixed in a position between anger and heart-break, “You know what Revan did, and you suffered the affects of her betrayal, but what part of you feels that that’s what Leera would do?” 

Carth pushed an aggressive shoulder forward, forcing his index finger into Mission’s face, “Just because you haven’t lived long enough to learn that people don’t change, doesn’t give you right to use that as an excuse. No matter what you say, there was a little bit of Leera in Revan, and Revan will always be a part Leera. One body, one action. You can’t just let someone off the hook because they don’t remember, especially when you know that they did it.” 

Mission was dumbfounded and bit her lip. Could a man that was so slow to trust really hate this easily? Leera had done every to help and then some. She had saved the Wookiee, Zaalabar, from Gamorrean slavers, risked her neck in a swoop bike race to give Bastila a chance to escape, turned Juhani away from the Dark Side, saved that shark-beast on Manaan, never faltered, even turned Sith in the Korriban Academy away from the Dark Side. 

Mission shook her head, “Leera has done more than she’s had to. Would Revan still be here? If she were still Revan, would YOU still be here? Would you even be alive if she wasn’t Leera?” Mission was hysterical, her teeth had opened her lip which had slowly begun to bleed. Her clenched hands refused to relax and as Carth avoided eye contact, she slowly walked around him. 

Leera was taking the fight worst of all. She was slowly growing emotionally torn between Mission’s optimism and the feeling that Carth was right. No matter how much she denied being Revan, she was still Revan in the end. She reluctantly looked up at Canderous who immediately changed his gaze to the arguing pilot and Twi’lek. She had been their leader, their friend, and now, she just felt like a backrocket bomarr-cast off, just a meatbag on the floor. 

Their leader….formidable warrior… their friend… powerful person…. 

Leera’s own thoughts buzzed around her head, overwhelming her mind and blocking out the argument bubbling in the room. Their leader… She had ran-sacked a Sith base, stole from a loan shark, and got everyone safely, not only off of Taris but, planet after planet after that. She not only found the Star Maps once, but twice. She’d waged against both sides of a war. Their friend… After years, who was the one that helped Mission realize that she didn’t owe her brother anything? Who had convinced Juhani that the Jedi Counsel on Dantooine would take her back? That there was nothing wrong with asking for forgiveness… 

Forgiveness….. 

After everything that she had been through, why was there only one thing able to break her defenses, able to break her, leave her incapacitated for days. Not one thing… one person. Out of everyone in the crew why was there only on person’s opinion that she cared for, that she thought she knew when in fact she didn’t. He claimed to hate her. But that didn’t mean anything. What was Carth’s opinion? 

“Carth, I-“ Leera twisted her upper body, pushing it up with her hands, but Carth wasn’t listening, arguing with Mission had pushed the Republic pilot past his breaking point. 

“Okay, look, Mission. What do you want me to say? Why I hate her? Why I hate her after trusting her so much? Why for so long I wanted to put a bullet through, not only her head, but Malak’s as well? Why I thought that hating her would be so easy? They say that sometimes the easiest thing to do is the right choice, and hating her, that’s hard. Four days, four days dammit….Dammit… looking at everything that happened, I should hate her. That, that just seems the way things should be, right? But it’s not. I can’t hate her. There’s no part of me that hates her. No part wants her dead. No part blames her. I wanted to, but I can’t. Hearing her for four days, know in the back of my mind that I was part of that agony, rips my heart out.” His heart beat fast as blood rushed to his face with every word, as tears burned behind his eyes. Part of him felt that explaining himself wasn’t necessary, that they should have known. A bigger part, was relieved that he was finally vocalizing what he had be feeling for days, no, what he had been feeling for months. 

Reenergized, Leera struggled as she pushed herself off of the floor, pulling on Canderous’ arm as she slipped on her own sweat and tears. The Mandalorian looked down at her, eyes leaking an emotion that she couldn’t recognize, and her brain refused register. She smiled up at him and quickly turned towards Carth, leaving Canderous behind as he gave off a seemingly amused huff. 

Leera stumbled forwards, catching herself on Carth’s shoulder. 

“Leera…?” he whispered catching her left elbow with his right hand. Leera looked up at him, lips just barely concealing a smile as her eyes were rimmed with new, fresh tears. But these tears were different. They weren’t filled with pain, not accompanied by groans of frustration. “Hey..?” Reaching her arms around his neck and lifting her body onto her toes, arms and legs trembling, mind racing, heart pounding, she pressed her cheek just in front of his ear and breathed, 

“Carth forgive me, please forgive me.” 

Before Carth could even open his mouth to give any sort of acceptance or rejection, she placed both hands on his chest and pushed off. Her vision blurred for a second and once coming back into focus, all she saw was Carth’s confusion. His mouth was parted slightly; his eyebrows turned up and pinched together. She blinked and leaned in, wrapping her thin arms around his head and pulling him down, close to her, delightfully brushing her lips against his. Hesitating for a heart beat she considered pulling away and hiding, fearing his reaction, but pushed the thought aside as she pressed her mouth to his and smiled as relief flooded though her body, slowly flushing out stress and anxiety. Before Carth had an idea as to what was really going on, Leera had pulled away, tasting the last bit of his sweat on her lips, as her eyes rolled into the back of her head and her unconscious body fell to the floor.


End file.
